Word

I dreamed that my father somehow needed a heart transplant and died during the operation and no one told me until the day after.
In my dream, the operation happened yesterday/last night, and I found out this afternoon from my mother.
In my dream, I felt the biggest hollow in my chest, the way your stomach feels just below your breast bone when you\’re very hungry, upon hearing the news. I still feel a little sad now. Devestated is the word I think.

In reality, my father called me late last night, but I didn\’t answer because I was kind of annoyed by him, after hearing about a conversation he and my mother had with my sister. I was also talking to David. Sometimes I think they treat her poorly because of 4 years ago. My mother is so cold. I love her to death, because I am who I am personality wise because of her personality, and underneath the ice is a warmth and good nature only the closest to her every get to witness, but sometimes I feel she hates everyone she\’s related to, although she\’s rebuilding connections with her brothers. On an equally as morbid note, I can see her dying alone, but she\’d probably prefer it that way. This superiority complex I reckon roots from her Christianity and everyone around her not walking their walk, and frankly, I can understand that as I used to be the same way (honestly I dunno why that\’s changed as my quality of life hasn\’t 1upped Super Mario style since). The isolation you put yourself in, unless (in this country at least) you want to befriend and be surrounded by Ned Flanders/Arlington Road types, is inhumane.

I\’m surprised I didn\’t cry in my sleep as much and as many times as I did in my dream. I met a bunch of familiar faces and had to relay the story, and it was strange because aside from high school track and football coaches, I don\’t know anyone in my dream now reflecting on it as I\’m awake.

I\’m glad my heart doesn\’t hurt this morning, as it usually does after waking from dreams like this.

Christian asked me around 10:30 if I wanted to ride to campus with him, but I was kind of paralyzed by the dream I\’d just woken from and didn\’t feel like going outside. So I lay there for another two hours and reentered the dream just as it was. It\’s rare that I\’m ever able to reenter dreams.

After finally getting out off the couch, I sat down here at the computer to see how the nightly downloads were going and proceeded to tell Kenneth about my dream.

It\’s amazing how the weirdest things make you realise your mortality, even though I\’ve had a handful of near death experiences, that I seem to not even take into account and Kenneth has to always remind me of.

People can die any moment over nothing and you can\’t do a thing about it.

I don\’t dream of my parents dying often, in fact I\’ve dreamed about it exactly once for the both of them, both times feeling devestated and inoperable the length of the dream. I guess it\’s good to know I love them and would react that way? My mom died in a car accident I believe, but it\’s been years since I had that dream.

Nightmares as a grown person suck.