Word

but things are so pleasant and calm and not hectic for a change around me. i\’m getting some of the best sleep i\’ve had in years now. i\’m near my cats. i wake at 5am to play basketball and excercise with my dad every other morning. i get to spend time with my mother who i haven\’t really talked to beside very brief phone conversations over the last 6 years. i\’m getting to hang out with my sister and her boy friend daniel (i play basketball with him often as well) a lot. she and i are going to be doing a run of some t-shirts this summer. i\’m driving again, finally.

it\’s not as if i don\’t know what it is that\’s bothering me, it\’s just that usually i\’m able to ignore it and keep it moving. i suppose, since i have so much peaceful and restful time to myself, my mind is sitting idle. well, that\’s not true, i\’m doing way more design work simultaneously than i\’ve been able to do the last year or so, and my concentration level is going up. but still, my subconscious just seems to dwell and murk around on things. plus my dreams and what i guess would qualify as quasi nightmares over the last year have sucked majorly.

i would say, the few things that have really given me any temporary gladness, were:

• my corrupting my sister and convincing her to get an ibook
• buying her a mouse for her new ibook
• watching all 6 of the star wars episodes pretty much back to back and playing the episode iii video game on playstation 2 (what a dork)
• going to the movies to see madagascar with my parents
• hanging out with christian, yamar, raffaela, and her sister last weekend
• reading emails from mates of mine, letting me know how their lives are going, stressful, beautiful, somber, the works.

i think i\’m feeling guilty about how many e-mails i am behind on. i need to write kassi, lyall, ben gran, shawn, kan\’dace, my uncle larry, tank (i see you!)…

sometimes, i wish i weren\’t so rambly and verbose for my own good, then writing short, informative \”this-is-what-i\’m-up-to\” e-mails wouldn\’t be such a bloody chore. chore is the wrong word; that makes it seem like i do not care to write, when the opposite is true. i care too much about what i would say and am one of those \”if i can\’t do it properly, don\’t do anything at all\” types of morans.

i\’ve been doing a lot of the self examination and questioning lately. my laptop speakers have been busted for about a month, and for the first time in 8 or 9 years, i\’ve been forced to deal with having little to no music, and by little to no music, i mean only 3 hours of music a day versus my usual 17-20. yes, i usually listen to music as i sleep. such a forced cold turkey detox from something that has been such a mainstay has been weird. i\’m not talking to my musician/beat maker friends as often, nor am i giving my feed back on records and music like i usually do. i feel out of touch with the projects i\’m marginally involved in. i\’m not even sure if i really give a shit about the music and the \’movement\’ right now. whether i give a shit or not is completely irrelevant, as i\’ve committed myself to several things and people and projects, and as little as my word is worth these days with as frequently as i\’ve been breaking it, i\’d like to try to keep these commitments.

i kind of feel like a shit though, i completely blew off a friend of mine last weekend when he called me on the phone. well, not completely, but i don\’t think i could have sounded more disinterested in what he was telling me and kind of hung up on a \”whatever\” type vibe. things just aren\’t moving quickly enough, and my ADD/ADHD is totally kicking in. I want to travel. I want to get lost as literally as i type that word.

i was 12 or 13 years old when i quit tae kwon do to run track and field for corbett junior high school. i was 12, because track season started before my birthday (as it does every year) and i recall getting a birthday card talking about i\’m \”finally a teenager\” from nicole polette and jennifer jackson. anyway, 12 years later i\’m no longer running track competitively (although this is about to change as I am training to reach competing shape again, and if things go like i plan, beijing in \’08) and i have the an accomodating schedule and desire to pick up where i left off over a decade ago, with the same instructor. this will be a weird, full circle sort of thing i believe, as i owe so much of my athletic foundation to martial arts.

i don\’t know what i\’m typing about really, but i feel out of touch. that calm and windy hollow you might feel when you\’re on a hill by yourself and there\’s nothing but the blue expanse above, beyond and around you. everything i want and need is within arms reach, and i feel yards away. it\’s frustrating and keeps me up at night. or in this case, til 5:55 in the morning.

where are the people i used to know?