MARQUEE MASCOT MATCHUP - NOVEMBER 18, 2006

Michigan Wolverines (11-0) AT Ohio State Buckeyes (11-0)

Tale of the Tape:


Wolverine Buckeye
Gulo Gulo Scientific Name Aesculus Glabra
Animalia Biological Kingdom Plantae
4 ft, 40 lb Size 40 ft, 10,000 lb
Carrion, Birds, Reindeer Diet Sunlight, Carbon Dioxide
Lots of big, sharp, bone crushing ones Teeth Do thorns count?
Four, semi-retractable Claws Lots of sharp branches
...packs of hungry wolves Known to stand up to... ...fierce windstorms
Very Good (kills moose) Strength Outstanding (Need bulldozer to move)
Excellent Agility Poor (rooted in the ground)
Fur coat Exterior Protection Bark, Leaves, Shells
Pungent anal musk glands X-Factor Poisonous nuts

Preview:

Game of the year? Game of the decade? Game of the century? Undefeated #1 vs. #2. One of the most storied rivalries in college football. Maybe the greatest rivalry in all of sports. Bucks versus Blue at the old Horseshoe. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's Michigan / Ohio State, and it's about to get krunk. But before you get all carried away with your buckeye pie, bratwurst, and Tostitos, lets get one thing straight. Talk all you want about Troy Smith, Mike Hart, Ted Ginn, Mario Manningham, or Jim Tressel's sweater vest. This game's coming down to one thing and one thing alone:

Is a wolverine stupid enough to eat a poisonous nut?

Make no mistake - a Wolverine is one badass little weasel. We're talking big claws, big teeth, nasty odor, and a really unfriendly disposition. Wolverines kill and eat things 5-10 times their size...like Reindeer (ask Santa Claus). Wolverines are strong, fast, agile, and durable. One of mother nature's finest. Most of the time they'd rather not be bothered with all that effort, though. Like old fashioned gangsters, Wolverines leverage their reputation to play the role of scavenger. Let somebody else do the dirty work, then pull a straight up jack move. "Hey Mr. Polar Bear, thanks for lunch. Now scram before I have to put in work, chump."

On the other side you've got a nut. Or - depending who you ask - a nut tree. The Ohio Buckeye, while deeply symbolic and inspirational, doesn't exactly make you tremble with fear. Short of being tossed about by a tornado, Buckeyes seem like a lot more bark than bite. Don't be fooled though; the Buckeye has plenty going for it. One, it's sturdy. Trees have big trunks, roots, and a hell of a lot of mass. Moving them is a serious heartache. But the real weapon is inside. Buckeye nuts, innocent as they may look, are highly poisonous. So unlike that peanut butter chocolate goop that you Wright Brother lovin' Ohioans are chowing as you read this, real Buckeyes are certifiable bad news for the old tummy.

Ohio State's mission is simple - get in the Wolverine's gut. Look for power running and lots of blitz in an effort to penetrate the Michigan interior and set up play action. If the Buckeyes can get the Wolverines to bite early, Michigan's likely to be nauseous and ill by the time the second half rolls around. If you're a Wolverine, you must avoid the temptation to rely on simply overpowering and intimidating your opponent. No matter how much you growl, a tree isn't likely to move. Likewise, run straight into a tree trunk and find yourself with a headache. The Wolverines have to spread the field to make use of their superior speed, while playing solid prevent D.

The Buckeyes have had plenty of success making their poison felt this year, but haven't really been tested much against saavy predators. Wolverines will prove much more challenging to trick than stupid, big-horned farm animals. Likewise this will be Michigan's first test against a representative of the plant kingdom, though their solid September win over a gang of clover-carrying Irish leprechauns bodes well.

Outlook:

Look for the Buckeyes to jump out early as the Wolverines sniff around, growl, and sample the bait. Eventually, they'll figure out that trees aren't that hard to outrun, even with a stomachache.

Michigan, 31-24


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